Don't belong anywhere

Most of the time, I'm alone because I haven't found my identity...

Sitting in class, looking around and thinking: "Who are my real friends? Which group do I belong in?" 

( TOPIC OF THE DAY ✌ )

Every single day, I go to school like... "Oh, today, I'm alone again." 

I started to wonder, am I not good enough to fit in? Where do I belong? Why don't I have as many friends as others in my own class? 

The past tense :

When I was in lower secondary, I was a real bossy bitch that everyone in my class gossip about almost every day. Every single action of mine will be their 'hot' topic. I was really silly back then. 

I was always thinking that I'm right. They should listen to me, why are they so stubborn? Actually, I was wrong. My class boycotted me. 

(1N1 & 2N1: Guys, don't be shock ok? I know everything but, it's okay, over now.)

I was a real 'gangster'. I have a lot of friends outside of school and I acted like I'm the leader of the class. Honestly, that wasn't my intention. To me, I was trying to lead my classmate but that made them hate me a lot. Like really super a lot. Everyone in the class, they're all fake, two-faced. The only reason why none of them chose to confront me it's because I was really close to my seniors back then and they would stand up for me. ( They graduated. ) 

Things that my class did secretly was creating a WhatsApp group, that group name was "Anti-Zoe". They gave me nicknames behind my back, like "Fat Pig" and etc. 

I make a big fuss out of small stuff. Of course, people know what's right and what's wrong hence I was hated for that. Wouldn't talk much about the different fights that happened but the conclusion is, I'm at fault.

Because of my lousy attitude, one of my senior actually picked on me with most of the upper secondary. It was really scary. Imagine, going to school and walking pass everyone you, thinking that they're laughing at you and you don't know when you'll get water splashed or things like that. (thankfully, none of these happens)
Fights lead to fights. I began to realize that I have to change.

When I was in trouble with my seniors back then, there was a really really kind angel that helped me. She's a complete stranger to me, the only thing I know was that she's my senior. She was really nice. She spoke up for me when everyone was bringing me down. I was really depressed, not knowing what went wrong. I'm grateful for what she did to help me. I wanted to repay her, but I don't know-how so I decided to have that motivation in me, to change...

The big change in me :

When those fights ended, I started to change. Bit by bit I would say. I'm not a superwoman, I can't change in just one night. I started off with my attitude, I was really picky and I don't agree with most of the things that my friends suggested. But right now, I go with whatever was decided and I actually realize that it's a suggestion that's better than what I suggested. I learn how to appreciate things I have, be thankful for each and every day. Noting down 3 things that I'm thankful for even on my worst day. (Inspired by Bubz)

I used to be a 'teacher's pet'. Whenever the class is noisy, I will be the one asking them to keep quiet. Even when there's no teacher in class. Of course, people hated that but I feel that it's my responsibility. Right now, I just keep quiet and do my stuff by myself. I wouldn't say that I've changed completely for this 'component' but, I'm trying still. 

Now and then, I still make a mistake. Like there was once, my friends skipped class. I was so stupid that I just tell the teacher of that subject their names, it was terrible. Back then, I really didn't think about how much trouble I brought them until my friends confronted me. ( I know that you know I'm referring to you, I'm sorry. )

Apparently the 'sabotage' student. I will work hard! =)

The main point of this post is not about what happened between my class and me but because of all these unhappy memories. I can hardly fit into any of my class clique. Even when I got invited, I don't feel that I'm part of them because our character is totally different. The things we talk about are different as well hence, we can't 'click'. No point sticking with a group that doesn't include you, right?

Sometimes, it's not that you're not good enough for them but it's that you haven't found your identity. Who you are, which group you belong to, the people that will accept you, you just haven't got the chance to meet them. Be patient, it's okay to be alone right now. There's nothing wrong with that. 

For me, I would rather be alone than to be with a group of people that might be putting on a mask. Who knows if they're badmouthing you behind your back? 

You don't need a big group of fake friends, you only need a small group of people who are true to you! 

You'll find your identity and where you belong soon, don't worry, don't have to search for them either. They'll come to you eventually. 

A short letter for people who are/was in my class :

Hi guys, I'm so sorry for that stuff that I did. I realized that I was really mean and it's difficult to accept me. I hope that you guys see the change in me and give me a chance cause I'm not who I was anymore. Even though we were not united at all but, we had a lot of emotions together. 

It's okay, don't have to talk to me like you're fine with me when you aren't. It's better if you just tell me that you don't like me. It would be better if you're able to tell me what you don't like about me so that I can change to become a better Zoe. 

Thank you for tolerating my nonsense. Let's start a new chapter together!

-Your (ex) classmate

Thank you for reading!